i was lying down staring at the ceiling.

watching attentively how the fan rotate and never stop..

ow my god..this is so twisted..

i've been doing this for hours.

can't get myself to start writing the report that need to be submitted and also a couple of assignements..

smpai bile ko nak jadi cmni sabrina.tak disiplin langsung.

mane semngat juang kau..u're young, u supposed to have that spirit..i told myself that again and again..

and then i got up and start my work..and then i recieved a text message from a person


'sab, hidup ni kene tabah kann, n kite patot bersyukurkann, tak boleh sedih if ade ujian'

she's right..

in fact she is so right..

ari tuh ade satu talk and die ade cakap pasal sesuatu ujian yang kite dapat tuh adalah untuk menguji diri kite, keimanan kite..

pernah dalam satu buku tulis, hmm something like this, kalaw kite fikir balek kann, org putih slalu qoute laughter is the best medicine..

tapi betul ke laughter is the best medicine..

the writer wrote sebenarnye bile kite sedih and kite pegi huhahuha dgn kawan2 tgk wayang, pegi konsert sebab nak release tension nak gelak, itu bukanlah hiburan yang sepatotnye..

tu adalah gelak tawa nafsu kite..dan nafsu kite dikawal oleh syaitan..

the writer wrote that, hiburan yang hakiki adalah apabile kite bole smile atau laugh when something bad happen..itu adalah hiburan yang sebenar..dan itu mencerminkan iman kite sendiri..

aku bukanlah pandai nak cakap pasal hal ni, tapi listening to the talk and reading the book buat diri aku pon terkejut and realise brape kali aku buat bende2 cmni..

it's not simple..nak stop doing the things yg salah tapi ko da biase buat, memang a chellenge..

just that one thing kite kene ingat Allah tak mengukur ape yang kite buat (sesuatu kebaikan) tapi ALlah mengukur betape sukarnye kite nak melakukan sesuatu kebaikan itu..

so everyone..we can do this.

stop, think and start..

bnyak yg kite still tak nmpak.

it's not my fault all the time.

that u can not read what's going on..

things are just slipping and i felt like i have been drawn away..

i'm drowning again..mungkin jugak sebab hubungan dengan Allah tak brape baik

i was sitting there spitting out every single thing i felt all along..

looking at the lights i tried to make her understand what i feel..

but it turns out wrong..

evrything is wrong.

and then here we are two people being in the same room and she could not even look at me like before..

i thought being honest was the way..it just turn out so wrong..

what am i supposed to do when the safest place become the place i want to run away from..

the subtleties just kills me so much..why can't people just be honest..

stop playing this mind game or silent treatment..

i deserve to know what i shud knoe..

i feel like i keep on falling in the same hole again and again..

it's the same situation again and again..

i went in the shop, and make my way through..passing by some shelve i grab a can of latte..

what a day..

flipping out two one ringgit note, i put it on the counter and went back to my car.


i took 1 sip of the drink and take a short breath..how complicated things are lately.. and if it were someone else's life it won't be as complicated as this..

sometimes i wish i could just fixed everything..i wish it could be simple just like shooting a bird with a gun..

but it's not just any bird..it's an eagle, and some sparrow too..

and in my hand there's no gun.



i wish my words could reach people..could actually make them stop..

but it didin't..i scare people away..i'm just like a scarecrow in a pigeons farm.

i can't fix anything..it's like standing in a crowd and not moving at all..ape yg aku nak grab eventually slip away one by one..

sometimes things i never expect happen..one day u though the sky is blue the next day it'll never be the color it should be..

almost choke on my latte i put it away for awhile..figuring out how to deal with a man that don't seem to see the point in anything..


i drive and went into a printing shop,mase nak bayar denga lagu KRU yang :

'wo ai ni. i love u aku ccececinta padamu'

mase nak bayar tuh aku tergelak denga die nyanyi cmtuh, org kat kaunter tuh pon senyum..


some people can just write a song without knowing what it means..

just like when people do things that they don't really mean or know..

i don't want to be that person..the person that don't know what i'm doing..

that's a terrible thing that could happen..doing something that they don't know

so i'll try survive this thing because i think i know what i'm doing..

this is just so difficult sometimes tapi Allah takkan berikan sesuatu yang Dia tahu hambe die can not carry it off..

so off i go..i should go and change the world.

i look at the rain outside and my heart felt like it's going to rain to..

that feeling ..the kind of feeling you feel when it's sunday and ur parents are sending u back to ur boarding school..

and u feel so alone and that it kills u so much to walk..the heavy feeling again..

i shud survive..and pray hard..

this is so twisted..i am twisted.

me against the world 1#

assalamualaikum..

how's everything going?

i just got home for my hari raye haji holiday..ok let's start viewing the world in my perception and findings.this one is rather serious.

so lewat kebelakangan kite diperlihatkan dengan things like indie band, vlogger, youtuber(is that a correct term), yang gain fame through the video they make..

i know what that's called..

let me just rephrase that..

they called it

expressing urself, exploring your talent, pursuing ur dreams and doing the things that u love..

there's no crime with that..really..

tak salah buat sesuatu yg ko nak buat as long as ianya tak melanggar syariat..

ok let's do this slowly.

the thing about fenomena ni adalah majortinya are young girls and sometimes even school girls..

young people, remaja belia, yang ekspres diri mereka melalui muzik dan anything that they called art..

aku tau, aku faham, i am not an art person, i don't understand how meaningful this is, how important this is to people like them..

but bile kite get back or look back just turn around for a moment,

itu ke yang kite nak sebenarnya??

buat lagu, lirik yang tak memberi ape2 signifikan atau hasil secare substantialnye dan let org2 yang bukan muhrim dengarkan suare kite..

dan lebih menyedihkan bile penyanyi underground perempuan ni adalah mereka yang bertudung..

kenape kite bertudung, untuk menutup aurat daripada pandangan yang bukan muhrim..

tapi bukan ke Allah da gariskan sendiri bahawa suara tu adalah aurat(unless in certain case like teaching atau disscusing)..

just take one look kite see how contradicting this is.

melihat seseorng yang seolah2 memahami ape yang die perlu lakukan untuk be a muslim and then tibe2 she start doing these things yg tak sepatotnye dilakukan kalaw die faham.

aku tak salahkan this matter pade the people sendiri, like i said, they are young people yang need guidance help and even support untuk find a piece of them..

ape yang aku bole cakap kat sini is, perkare mcm ni tak sewajarnye kite support..

aku rase one of the reason bende ni happen is sebab diorng ade fans, ade org yg dengarkan lagu2 diorng, and the most important thing is diorng get inspired dgn penyanyi2 disekeliling mereka yg mereka nmpak..

kite start dengan yuna about some years back, and then we have ana rafalli and now kite ade najwa latif..

diorng semue young especially najwa latif..

mungkin mereka tak merasakan yang perkara ni adalah against Islam itu sendiri kerana sokongan yang mereka dapat..

aku tak agree. and aku rase we have to know that this is wrong.

kite taknak ade things like this happening again in the future..mcm seolah2 a job as a penyanyi itu menjadi something yg okay atas alasan yang kamu have passion and talent in music ..

masih ade bnyak care lagi yang kite boleh buat kalaw kite minat sesuatu.

dan menjadi seorng penyanyi when u're a muslim, a girl, and young is not quiet the idea dan of course melanggar syariat..

bukan ke tugs kite dan tanggungjawab kite lebih besar dpd tuh...bnyak bende yg lebih penting yang seharusnya disibukkan daripada menyanyi..

malaysia memerlukan belia2 yang berpelajaran yang have the courage to fight for what they believe in.

Islam memerlukan umat2 yang sanggup berkorban.this goes to me to..so the road is there..

kite just have to make a choice and start doing the things yg lebih penting dan mendtgkan kebaikan..

believe me, ilmu ALlah tu adalah beautiful when u start to see them, dan hukum Allah tu semuanye mempunyai hikmah.

Allah takkan melarang sesuatu tanpa sebab, dan Allah takkan perintahkan sesuatu yang sia2..

i guess that's it.

so with this all apologize to the things yg i said yg menyentuh sensitivity siape2..

aku rase, i just have to actually write this down..

i hope we can actually think about this..

thanx for reading.

ok let's do this really quick

i step out on the street today to get something to eat..walupon bnyak keje belom siap tapi perot aku da marah.

dgn determine nye aku jalan untuk mengisi perot aku nih, sape berani halang aku.

crik2 parking skali jumpe jugak..

org2 zaman skarang ni da tak tau parking betul2 ke..

bli kuey tiaw, ayam, crab stick and murtabak, ok done..

pastuh makan kat surau libry and then amek brg crik seat, seat yg aku suke da ade org dudok.berani betol..

isit muke korng je dudok sini aku tak pena dapat dudok, desis hatiku..


ok sabrina mengalah skarang crik tempat lain..


ok fine tertinggal air and laptop, penting so i went back to my car..

and then there was this women standing there..aku pon buat2 busy and tak hiraukan keberadaannya.

she :awak kat sini ade public phone tak

aku :hahh?

public phone.what is that?

aku :hmm

she :saye crik kat atas sume da rosak tak bole gune

ye la kak, zaman skarang mane ade org pkai public phon, kalaw nmpak public phon pon rase nak rosakkan je, ckp dlm ati laa.

aku pon tersentak dan memarahi diri aku, tak baik make fun of people's word, nnti kalaw turn ko pulak, takot Allah taknak tolong je..ok stop sabrina and do ur part..

aku : saye pon tak tau laa.(smbil memusing2 mencari idea).kenape?

she: kete saye tak bole stat dpd ptg tadi mcm ni..awak ade jumper tak, boleh pinjam, connect kat kerete saye bole..

sounds like she's going to open up my car..dudlu aku pon pena jadi mcm ni, tapi ade la laki yg tolong skang nih aku pon tak tau mcm mane nak connect jumper and aku pon takde jumper..

aku : saye tak tau la nak buat bende mcm ni..saye takde jumper..(rase diri ini sgt useless)..awak gune phone saye..jap ea saye rase saye ade nombor org yg bole dtg..(mencari nombor2 mekanik yg bukak kete aku ari tuh sambil menyalahkan diri kenape tak pena kemas beg, ok fine takde)..kalaw saye bagi awak phone saye, awak ade org tak nak call skang..

she : (smiling like seeing me a fairy come to life) bole2 saye cume nak buat satu phon call je, nak call suami saye

aku :( tekejut tapi diam je, i mean like seriously she's married?, why do people do that at such a young age).ok nah (menghulurkan telefon bimbit nokia n 90 yang 3,4 bulan akan degrade with the environment lagi cepat dpd bahan xenobiotik yang take years to degrade and stuck in the body's fat-ok diam skang)

she : (make the phone call and thanked me)..brape ringgit wak? saye bayar..
menyusakan awak je(maybe that's why she's married and i'm not).lepas nih kalaw suami saye kol takyah angkat, cukupla saye da betau die kat mane..takot menggangu je..

aku : ea takpe2(gaye muslimah lembut).ok je..saye dok kat atas ni tau..(berlalu pergi)

ok now i gotta go back to work, bnyak lagi tak siap, kang sambong..

heyya.

well it's been a while..

i know.

i just need to figure things out for awhile..

processing my feelings and actually rationalising myself.(because i am irrational sometimes)

so here i am

with pages of journals on my desk trying to figure out how to isolate sulfate reducing bacteria and it's relationship with corrosion..

this place just so quiet..

i've checked in to this place turns out that i actually got my own room for the next one year of my study..

it's great..just what i have always wanted. to actually be alone in my own space bury myself from the world..

alhamdullilah..

somehow there's like a hole in my heart..the kind of feeling that makes u want to bolt..

but hey this is life isn't it..

i'm just swamped with things to read and proposal to be submitted..

sometimes i'm scared of tomorrow's possibility..

realise how coward i sounded lately..


anyway..

i have this mycology field trip that i had to attend this weekend..

the idea of tman negara with waterfalls and the jungle excite me..

i always thought that i need something like that for sometime..

life is already like a jungle..what different does it makes huhh?

i can do this..i can carry on..

InsyaAllah..

bile fikir what i have been doing throughout my life..

rase mcm nothing compared to proportion yg God given me.

i've done nothing that's worth something.

so i have to do something and make things right..

and i'm not in the place to complain..

at all.

so now i have to go

wish me luck.




kuey tiaw hongkong.best thing ever..i had this the other day with diana..

gotta get going now and carry on live like u're dying (bajet lenka)





nice spot huhh..

dear you over there,

ur letter came yesterday.

and mak suruh aku bace the letter..

the money came in just fine..

alot of things happen around here.

aku tak rase aku should write it in this place.

this place is only for casual stuff..

aku rase ko aware that, my whole life, there are alot of things yg aku feel tapi aku tak pena express it sebab unlike you, i don't know how..

aku pon tak tau aku pena try ke tak..

i guess that's why a few years back i use to lie my way out.

aku lie so much because it's easier than telling people the real thing, what i feel most of the time..

ur letter makes me realise how much i can not do what u did..

aku tak bole write a letter to mom saying all those stuff sebab aku memang tak bole spit it out..aku memang fail in expressing my thoughts to our parents.
u always know what u want and what u are doing..well this isn't about me though, i know that.

our family memang bukan the affectionate type like we know, tapi of all of us aku rase aku yg pling terok..

aku rase it's easier saying stuff like that to some stranger ataupon org lain yg don't really know aku dpd saying that to my family..aku tau ko rase aku silly tapi u don't know how hard this is for me..

aku memang lack of conversation with our parents..

so that day, mase mak ckp ngn aku tak payah hantar budak2 pegi fardhu ain, aku mcm seriously tak tau how to spit it out yg aku tak agree..

so there i am pacing in and out ckp pasal what i know awkwardly refusing to look at her sebab i'm not good at talking things seriously with my parents..

i went about hak sebagai seorang anak supaye parents die bole bagi education tentang agame pade die..sebab nanti dekat akhirat Allah akan tanye..

and then she looked at me in surprise..

pastuh die bagitau her reason and said why she's doing that..

so bende tuh memang acceptable..she knows what she's doing..so only for that day the kids did not go to fardhu ain class.

there's alot of stuff yg aku nak ckp to people here tapi i didin't said that..

then the letter showed up and u just spit it out in a few piece of paper..


so,

no, i cannot do this..

i guess being the unaffected one all the time has it's price..

i'm the loser.

okay..

so i've been preoccupied lately.

my mom had to cook alot of food sebab ade kenduri tahlil something like that at her friend's,so i helped.










and then i went to this talk,




went to the park with the kids,






unfortunately it looks like its going to rain



so we sit there for a moment and went home,




make food




and more food







and running people's life yg tak bole manage his own life like this boy,





he has this friend that's going to have her birthday so he wants to buy something for this girl..

and so we went to this place




that looks like a drug store







mission: get something for hazim's friend

budget : below RM3

so with the short budget that he's got, i thought of buying one of these.






when u're 9, u would do that too..it's fun isn't it when u're smaller and the world seems pretty and dandy and all you want to do is celeberate an event and show people that u appreciate them and be bestfriends..
yey! (rolling eyes)


unfortunately i'm not hazim and i'm not 9..bagi je la ape die nak.




and look at what i found! they still have stuff like this sold.





atlast,







i was busy looking at this that almost bump into the car infront.










almost sunset in the little town..
macam taylor swift ckp this is ain't hollywood this is a small town.ok shut up


and then i was busy again figuring things out, the self-discovery routine which people don't have to know what it is.

and then on and on with the same cycle..






this is what it look like from here at 7: 15 a.m..




and you're late!

dear you over there,

u were right when u said that i have problem expressing myself.

most of the time i find myself not knowing what to feel and sometimes

i don't know why i'm feeling things..

i think apart of it is because i don't really know myself..

this self-discovery journey seems endless, because i always felt lost..

anyway.

why is it that i feel people in this family always have something to prove..

aku rase the only person yg have nothing to prove is hazim..because for him life is

pretty..

what a happy kid he is..i felt so annoyed that i want to strangle him.


surat kau yg tarikh 6th july tuh baru smpai today..pastuh ayah mcm jeles tgk mak bace surat ko..

ko tulis la surat untuk die jugak.wow that's gonna be weird

u know what,

sometimes aku wonder why hakim is so angry and emotional..

semalam mak ajar die ngaji pastuh die tak bole trime bile mak cakap die salah.

mak as always cannot be subtle, but she's right most of the time.

he's like so angry.and he looks like he's going to cry..

he's like that, most of the time that i start to wonder why..

is it because he's just being prideful and a brat..

ataupon because of what he feels about things around him..

so i stop being so hard on him and i stop making fun of him..

because he wants to be taken seriously kalaw tak nanti die emo.

anyway, wutever..till then

life as we know it

i made these today.








yes those are cheese.nmpak je cm merepek tapi sedap okay


it's great isn't it when there's so much to eat and so many people at home..

i haven't read the news for weeks..i don't really know what's going on to the world..

i don't believe by what they wrote on the news, when it comes to political issues and a little bit of something else.

so i read the star only.dekat sini takde jual the star(yes seriously tak yah fake tekejot ).sebab less political propaganda.is that even english..whatever.
after i went to wahida post today bru dapat a little glimpse of what bersih is..

so i've just start my day normally being ignorant for awhile.

fetched this two..




do this








watch this








reading, figuring things out, thinking again. mind battling, and tido..
i think i shall wait till i get sick of sitting home..

but it's been only weeks right.


p/s: hows the photo.i use this.bought it online the other day.

aku bengang...sikit ar.

siket je.

ok fine aku bengang gile!!

A-!?

seriously ?!!

susa sgt ke nak dapat A je..

nape A tapi ade minus..

i work so hard for that mental health..

all that 4 notes and mind map and 4 kali katamkan..

why didin't it worked?

it supposed to work!!
sayangnye..

aku supposed to get 4..

3.9 pon tak sampai.

why is this happening ??

bengang bile ko work so hard for it and then result die tak as good as what u want..

rse mcm u're not good enough..

aku memang rase cmtuh..

when i worked my ass off, i want it to be great..

it's just personal..

i have to achieve what i have to achive.

aku tau akuu twisted..

and patotnye bersyukur..

tapi it shouldn't be like this..

this is wrong..

i'm getting a migrain.

takpe la..mungkin Allah tak nak bagi.

there are stuff that i don't do..

because i don't want people to do it to me..

like i don't read people's messages,

take something without permission,

make people wait for me

tell people what to do..

so when people do these stuff i get annoyed for awhile.

but then i guess we're different people that believe in different things so sometimes people do the stuff that we don't do.

because they're different people.

but i don't get how do people live making everyone understand the things that u don't like to be done to you but you literally do it to other people..

isn't that just contradicting?

bukan ke kalau kite tak suke org buat something tu, kite pon tak buat..

that how things should work.

that gets me wondering all the time when i see people like this..

like for a minute you said things that make me go 'okay, then that's just you'

and the a week after that, everything you do just way too different than what you have just said..


is that selfishness or childishness..

maybe aku yg get it wrong tapi i've seen it happen for quiet awhile.

am i wrong again..

walaupon bende tu tak effect aku,

but wouldn't it be great if people can just practice what they preach.

talk the talk and walk the walk.

and maybe perhaps the world would be a better place..

end of this

dudlu everytime aku denga lagu sheila on 7, walau aku da denga about 500 times pon lagu die, aku memang kene denga sampai abes, kalaw da masok intro kene abeskan..

atau kalau da masok korus kene denga smpai abes..it's like some kind of compulsion.

bagi aku that is loyalty..kalaw aku tak denga smpai abes, i always felt like i don't appreciate music die.

just like evry album that comes out, aku kene beli..because i wanna feel like i'm supporting them..

and maryam use to write on my book 'sheila on 7, dulu, kini dan selamanye', because we both love u..

and when i listen to you aku teringat aku punye school days where i got into trouble in maths class listening to you on my discman.

but time pass, and things change(ayat dear john)..

okay seriously..right now the song is playing tapi aku just nak tune in another one..

another song..another 2 minutes is too long..

maybe it's the drum..the drum felt different, my feelings felt different, aku tak have that enthusiasm, passion in their music as much as before.

this is not a phase..it felt real..

i'm sorry.

sorry so7..

u meant something about 7 years ago..

u still do, but not as much as 7 years ago..

i'm sorry that i can't carry on and bear to listen..

i'm sorry i tune in another song..

i'm sorry i stop the engine and didin't wait when u were singing on the radio..

i'm sorry i'm not as driven and excited as i was when i was 14..

i'm sorry i can't indulge on ur lyrics as much as yesterday.

i've grown out of it..

u're still one of my favorite though..but the worlds revolving and people move on and i'm not 14 anymore, and there's stuff more important than you..

city of angels

so after i got to james post on the song iris, it reminded me on how much i used to listen to it during my high school years and matriks..

it all started with city of angels.

aku cam into this movie that tyme..pastuhh aku can not stop listening to sound track die yg iris tuh..sebab cite tuh memang best gile and deep..ok diam skarang.

pastuh meg ryan looks hot and nicholas cage memang mcm and-when-everything-just-made-to-be-broken-i-just-want-u-to-know-who-i-am kindda crap.

so that tyme i was 15, i was so into this movie and during kemahiran hidup aku cite kat nazia, siap buat soundtrack lagu die lagi nak bagi die paham, like aku explain every scene dlm cite tuh sebab aku afal and then aku ckp 'ok tyme tu kann weyh kuar lagu nih,(start singing)'

pastuh nazia angguk2 pastuh tros cakap 'a'ah aku da tgk cite tuh'..

pastuh i went on and on about it, and slalu look at her nak suroh die sambung sebab die ckp die da tgk, pastuh die slalu ckp 'owh aku da lupe part tuh'

and then aku pon volunteer nk cite and she suddenly went

'tak payah!..fine aku tak tgk pon cite tuh, aku just pretended to watch it because i don't want to listen anymore of this nicholas cage city of angel crap'

sungguh kejam nazia cakap city of angels aku crap and aku give her the evil eye mcm nak rebus die mcm kerang rebus..

and then lame2 i got over the movie..and realise that it is kindda jiwang..

tapi lagu tuh memang all tyme favorite.

yeah it was a high school phase..whatever

ow my god..bende ni mcm the best thing yg ade kat rumah ni rite now..









can't stop munching..ntah brape bnyak aku da makan..

mak :sabrina ni daim zainudin punye coklat kann, yang menteri kewangan tu kann.sedap ea

and then aku mcm 'what??, bukan la mak ni kann kraft food punye sweden company tuh'

mak : hahh? betul la ayah ko ni..die cakap ni daim zainudin punye bisnes..aku ingat kan betul2 la..

yeah he always do that..

like that tyme die beli this camera online from a guy name roy lennon and he told me yg roy lennon ni adek beradek john lennon..


aku macam tgk die dgn muke tak percaye and puzzled.like he seriously think that i'm gonna believe yg adek beradek john lennon jual camera kat lelong ke..

whatevr..i gottago and eat some more..

parenting

mother is out of town..settling some bussiness..

so i'm here with the kids alone untill saturday..don't rob my house..

so i went to pick up hakim and hazim just now..

sedang aku tido dengan sedap, pastuh alarm bunyik nak kene amek dorng plak..

and then when i got there, there's a lot of kids like staring at my car..

i mean totally staring at the car..

so hazim gets in but there's no hakim..

hazim :kakak, hakim tumbuk budak

aku : ok.. mane die?

hazim : tu kat pokok..

that happens all the tyme.malas nak pikir

so aku pon drive smpai kat pokok

and then hakim went in and off we went home.

so i was going to go back to sleep..

pastuh hakim went to me

hakim :kakak rase ustazah panggil mak ngn ayah tak.

aku : depends

hakim : on what

aku: on how many times u hit the boy

hakim : maksud kakak, tumbuk die ke(smirking)

yeah he's proud of it.wutever

aku : nape ko tumbuk die?

hakim : sebab mase rakaat ke due semayang asar, abang(he calls himself abang)lupe
nak tahyat awal pasuh die ketawe2 kat blakang, pastuh die ketawe smpai
abang da abes semayang pastuh cakap 'hahahha, akem salah semayang'

aku : so u hit him?! because he was making fun of you?!! cume cakap cmtuh ko pukul die.

hakim : a'ah (konfiden sambil angkat kening)

i hate doing this so much, like telling people what is wrong and right ataupon suruh org do the right thing.. i just hate it so much.sebab it's not a big deal.usually stuff cmnih aku just betau my parents je and they handle it.or atleast my father will..

i'm not the sister that tells her brother what to do except for homework.because that's just weird.but come to think of it, this is not about me.and my parents not around.

hakim is like 10..and he's been hitting people for quiet sometimes usually with a good reason..bukannye big deal pon tapi kang tak cakap kire tak bertanggungjawab kann.and then i did the thing that i hate most

aku : hakim, u got to stop hitting people. u can not just hit people because dorng make fun of kau..that's not reason enough..i'm not gonna tell u what to do..tapi ko kene stop. tuh kann cume a stupid thing yg people say bile ko buat salah..just anggap that it's nothing je laa..buat bodo je..bukan big deal laa.
die bukannye ejek ko terok2 or ckap ko bodoh ke ape.(ayat stepmom pon kuar)u are too much of a person to even bother with this kid..

hakim :sbenanye die memang bnyak kali ejek abang..tapi abang diam je..abang punye turn nak bagi die..

aku: so this like what, a revenge ?!

hakim: a'ah.(konfiden)

aku : so everyone yg mess up ngn ko gets one?

hakim: a'ah

hazim : hmm padan muke si taha tuh..macam game wwe tu kann, kem.

aku : diam ar

hakim : takpe..ok je..esok abg explain kat ustazah..jadi die tak betau mak ngn ayah.

cmtuh die handle things..kalaw ustazah die tak nak dengo ckp die, kang dengan si ustazah tu jugak die bagii..aku pon tak tau la budak nih..

die bukannye problematic as a child..he's just have this big pride, thinks he's too good for anything, responsible nak banding dengan hazim and smart..

i'll just tell mom later..wutever anyway..

got to cook.kah kah kahhh

aku have this problem in me that i notice and i refuse to do anything about it..


i never listen..in a lot of things..i just find it difficult to sit down and give my attention to something..

so when my mom started to throw her tips and teaching on cooking aku slalunye angguk2 je and go 'hmmm', or 'ok' walaupon sbenanye aku cume stare at her blankly smbil dekat earphone kat tinge denga taylor swift country bits..

i know i'm not an obedient daughter.

and she use to become puzzle sebab in one sentence aku bole understand all that, atleast i look like i do..

just like just now when she explain how to make nasi ayam and i go 'hmm', 'ok',

and then she said something about cengkih which i don't know what, and then i said 'sounds delicious mother'..

and then muke die start to berkerut which i don't understand why, because the whole time i was listening to karev rambling on grey's anatomy,

and then she went

'ape yg sedapnye letak butter dgn gule, muak tau tak?'


and then aku ckp 'ha'ah muak2'..eventhough mase tuh aku tak understand a word..

so it turns out she was giving a bad example of making nasik ayam yg muak pkai nasi and letak butter and gule..

so yesterday, she had this emergency thing going on that she had to rush out, so out of nowhere she went,

'sabrina ko masak nasik and sup untuk adik ko ea'

'it's simple, i taught u the last time..yg macam mak cakap tuh'

and then she went away.

pastuh aku mcm did i just heard that rite?

i mean is she serious..aku mane pena masak sup fishball.and i never paid attention that time.


the last time aku masak sup was like a year ago..

i'm totally lost..

pastuh aku pon rush out crik resipi kat internet and do as the resipi said..

the resipi ckp masuk bunge lawang. kayu manis, and cengkih..

kamon la weyh bunge lawang tu ape?!

pastuh aku masuk je yg nampak macam bunge lawang..

aku masuk la dalm 3,4..and then voila jadi la sup..

pastuh adik aku balek and eat

hazim :akem, mak ni mcm tenga cube resipi bru kan kem

hakim :ntah pelik rase die..pesal tah mak masak cmni

aku : sedap kann, baek ko ckp sedap?!

okay da diamm..

i'll learn that next tyme..

xmen for real

fine..i've just watch this xmen first class..

i feel that charles fail in proposing his point and his mind on how things should be done..

it's not supposed to end like that kalaw die boleh encourage them or make them feel that what they are actually doing is rising above..

ni sume salah die..that's why magneto pick the other side..

and he shouldn't suruh mysitique go.

at the beach kalaw die boleh make things clear perhaps things wouldn't be that way..

aku cam geram gile dgn charles yg tak clarify and make them see that..

he's the one with the telepathy thing, he should have done better..

magneto is like so hot and vulnerable..

he's hotter when he's vulnerable..like he needs that brotherhood thingy and someone to actually love him and be there..

the end is just sad.

and wrong

random scribbling

hello everyone (bajet famous)

so since we going to have the exam, we sould chill at our room and go through the textbook, and lecture notes should we ?


owh did u just hear that..

that is the sound of my tummy..

should we do something about it..yes we should..

since i'm locked up telling myself that this going to take only 8 more days, and i have to stay here study this mental health thing, i can not go anywhere..

the car is safe and sound in the parking lot and if i want to eat something, i should just go to the cafe or make something instant..

so let's have this..





pour it in a bowl, since rumate takde.curik rumate punye kejap(alah nanti ckp laa)




and then pour about have a cup of water.






halahmak bace sendri ar care nak buat kat blakang box, tu pon nak aku betau ke.


doesn't it look disgusting..

well it taset disgusting to.

so wutever, don't eat that, bknnye sedap sgt..

nak termuntah pon ade..rase instant, memang die instant tapi xyah rase instant sgt..


till then, got to get back to delusional disorders..

wutever..

so my nape hurts..
and my head hurts and i felt drowsy..
rase cm org mengandung plak..


hmmm..still studying.

here i am flipping through painting and painting trying to figure out which one is acrylic and which one is oil on canvas..

because they sure going to ask that tomorrow during my art critics quiz..

and since i took the subject this short sem..i should really know which is which.

it's just really hard to tell..

they look pretty much the same..and when i seem to be able to figure out which one is acrylic and which one is oil,

the next painting yang look like acrylic is actually oil!

i guess i'm just not that good in art huhh..

ok observe this carefully



this is acrylic








this is oil







this is acrylic






and this is oil




now guess which one is acrylic painting and an oil painting.hahhah









don't they all look the same !!

my back starting to hurt now..

tu belom ink and marker lagi..huh!

i've been viewing stuff in youtube..some stuff..

so the other day when the video that was place on youtube made by me, were out..

i happen to view it a lot of tymes..

and then there's this thing that i feel, deep inside..

i mean i seriously know that my video wasn't a very good one, it's just fine or even average.

i just felt that it looks like a 5 minute work that you jumble out all together edit a bit and then voila it's in the tube..

i didin't realise i was doing that a lot of times..

there's been a lot of time in my life that i do things quickly and not carefully..

and the result goes so and so..

i felt embarass a bit because a smart person will figure the kind of effort it took for that video.

it's just that during the editing i didin't realise i was doing it again.
i want it to finished so quickly so i'll get over that..

i thought i'm enjoying it, but i just want to get over it quick..

and i don't want to be do that again..to produce or make something lacking of effort..

god i'm so twisted..

i guess that's why a lot of times in my life, i happen to fail to get the result i want..

because i never cared what it will be like in the end, or what i will gain along the journey, i just wanted it to end..

but i do feel tired making it happen.because i'm not enjoying it i guess..

and that should stop right there.i should make that stop.


moving on.. i've finished this book today..it's the one i borrowed from diana..




anyway..i don't think it's something i would want to read in future..

romance-don't expect much in it
friendship-twisted and very complicated because bel thinks that ashley is mean and hate her but ashley just want bel to care(wutever dat sort of stuff)
and she put it in very odd way to go through a story like that.

like sometimes you don't know what's this event got to do with anything.

it's boring in a way that she put a lot of events unrelated to the plot..

misleading.that's the word..it's not even much about a reunion after 15 years.

more about a worried mother and life of four friends after they graduate..

wutever.it's a yawn..

sorry to say that so bluntly..but it is....

i guess i gottago and read through the function of nilai estetika and garisan
in paintings but they call it catan in malay, because i got quiz and i need to get 4 this short sem..

till then..wutever

aku memang tak get it..

what with people and being emotional..

kalaw kekadang takpe gak, ni all the tyme..ko je yng nak marah, ko je yg need space, ko je yg need tyme out..

mcm evrything is about you..

pastuh org kene just leave ko alone because all the burden in theworld like fall on your shoulder..

and ko yg tak get what people mean, tapi ko tak try nak understand and yet ko tros melenting like you own everything..

man..this few months i got to know you closer..

aku rase aku yang hurt..

what about me..what about what i feel..

what about what i have hold so far..

nape pentingkan diri sgt..

i'm so tired of this.again

dear you over there,

now i'm in my fourth week of short semstar..

satu subjek rm90 so looks like kepale ayah botak nak pay for that..

anyway i was thinking on paying my own college fees..no not really..

maybe suku kowt..

i've been cooking the other day and people been eating what i cook..

da lame gile tak buat nasi goreng kampong..

aku remember ko ckp jgn letak 7 biji lada padi tapi tuhuh belas..

tapi lada yang aku pakai tu da memang pedas..

so thanks to you aku letak tujuh belas and it turned out yang aku cook nasi goreng wasabi..nice

aku makan pon nak tersembor..naseb bek ade crab stick and sardin..

arituh at home hazim ajar aku main game fight at the street..die menang most of the tyme lawan ngn hakem..

hakem mcm biase annoyed..

ayah soh akim tutop paip air, akim tenga berak, pastuh die suh hazim, and then hazim besakan lagi paip air bukan die tutop..

so macam biase org lain yang kene marah because of that hazim..

mak da tak bagi hazim rapat sgt dngn syuhada sebab mak ckp semacam pegang2 tgn jalan pegi skola agame..

hazim ckp die terpakse..

and aku ckp kat die berdose pegang2 tgn laki pompuan..and he went 'macam melakukan zina ea kakak'..pastuh giggle..

serious aku tak tau cmne nak privatekan post aku..cmne ko buat..

anyway, zizan cm ade something going on dgn natsha hudson..

rozita che wan ade something going on dengan shahir af8..
die ckp die menyenangi shahir..

pastuh coursemate aku gadoh ngn fatin liyana kat fb..that happened a bout awhile before..

kelakar gile..

life is as always..anyway weh bagi aku address rumah ko..senang siket aku nk anta ape2.

malysia has been extraordinarily hot sebab ribut aere kat philiphine yang extract all the moisture in this country..

these days ade penyimbah acid bersiri..

this guy move dpd petaling jaye smpai ke bangi..skang da ade brape kes kat bangi..

all my friends punye parent seems concern and tak bagi anak die kuar sgt...

our parents don't seem slightly bothered by that..mak just ckp beli lah ayam panggang kat giant kalaw murah.. and soh aku blikan buku asmaul husna kat pkns..


this guy is said to be indian..smpai skang polis tak dpt tangkap..pelik aku..padahal nombor plat da dapat..

lecturer aku look like a metrosexual guy.tapi bile ckp ade gaye2 chef wan..

org yang OCD memang specifically have this lot of concern about hygiene and dorng mmg freaks..

i've been reading this article, die ckp semayang yang sempurna is, faham maksud dalam solat and indulge, sbar and tenang nk go tu the next rukun..also kalaw bole capai sume bhagian yang sunat maca doa iftitah supaye dapat pahale lebeh..

kalaw tak khusyuk bukan batal just kurang pahale..

hmm da azan..n aku pon da penat laze around..till then..

be a good muslimah and semoge ape yang dikerjakan kerana Allah sebab kat akhirat nanti sumenye akan dipersoalkan balik ape yng kite buat..

astaghfirullahalazim..

semoge dose kite diampunkan..

so called life..

aku rase aku kene pick aku punye self up and stop lazing around..

gotta carry on with my plans for the short smestar..

this is just so tiring..

evryone musti tenga sibuk buat kek, keje, jage adek, deal dgn colleages yg suke ckp pasal kawen and then mak yg tak bagi kuar..hahhah.gudluck with that people.

anyway..

kelas aku pon only isnin ngn rabu..tapi takde laa free sgt ok..

most of the tyme aku read newspaper and find something else to read..

pastuh gi giant beli ayam panggang and makan ngn nasi puteh

yumm..

hihi..

we going to start our shooting untuk projek video kesihatan mental..

hope evrything will berjalan lancar..

these days have been so quiet.skang kat bilek eka and cite pasal kenangan lame..

jap gi nak bace that article yg aku fotostat tadi..

tadi blog hopping..

hmm can't wait to be home..isit tgk kalender je.

wonder what the kids doing at home..musti si toyol due ekor tenga main psp level pling senang..

that's typical..

when i was little i use to sit at home and main lego with my sister..

we never really had barbie or masak2..

i used to want them..because they're beautiful...

tapi ayah bagi lego and bli buai besar je, soh dok umah diam2..

maybe that's why we grew up turning out like this..

i mean look how twisted we are..

aku pon mcm biase having my short sem, cooking and dealing dgn mid life crisis as always..

dr. aidil was rite, life is not that straight forward..

bende yang ko least expect happen with the person yg ko tak expect jugak..

kalw hidop ni fairytale je then u miss all the important part..

i guess this what makes me grow.

i shud handle this like an adult..

ok gotta go and do something worthwhile sebab yuran short sem mahal and duet bapak aku da bnyak abes..

till thenn tataa..

while i was absent

i've been running lifes for the past few days..

okay so back in touch with the internet.

so my roomie been away so i spent my days, cooking , feeding peoples pet, cooking again reading and sending people's pet to the vet..

this guy


refuse to eat his food, been so aggresive to me when i'm washin him and just don't want to face me and turned away..he just hates me.

wutever..wonder cmne agaknye mazian deals with him everyday..

aku sempat juggle him and hentak2 kepale die when i'm washin him..let's just hope mazian won't find out.hahha



saje amek a few shots.to annoy him..he smells awful.

x payah tak percaye sgt..i know i'm not an animal person, just wutever ok..


so there's this kitten across my room who is a stray cat..

anyway its been sick and refused to excrete or urinate..

and the owner was very anxious..

so me and mazian went to take the kitten to the vet which i refuse to hold it because i can't..


so now citam is ok..

you know its hilarious, listening the doctor checking and telling what it is daignosed for.

i mean seriously there's actually people out here that just care a lot about a cat..

and there's even a medicine for the cat that got it's name on the label..

hahhah..


i've been spending days cooking on my stove..

i even went to the market to pickup some crabstick and potatoes..


my little kitchen

i bought the stove just when the semestar about to start..cute huhh..it's a campers stove..

and the rice cooker too!


so i had these the other day








and then during the evening it rained!

it's been hot since forever..




i know..it's just great..

it's so refreshing being in this room..

i felt good these days..all by myself cooking, reading stuff and actually doing things that i wanna do when i don't have tyme..

so i've been reading psychological disorder because i had quiz on monday..
there's alot of them..

last night was great.. i drove to putrajaya's lake and had ice cream and some snack there, we camwhore and watch the lights shone..it so calm and beautiful..

the last tyme i went there was with my sister..

wutever
now i'll better get back to this




isn't life just great..

man..

i hate it when these happens.

it's like the aura is not good and the feeling are just wrong..

you just feel sick to ur throat and people get hurt and you're hurt too..

but i'm right..i'm just saying what i think is right..because i'm right.

being honest just kills you sometimes

dear you over there,

you must've missed this right?



yes they're mum's.

and these




yang the missing piece da masok mulot hazim..
sebab die tak sabar..

anyway..

i didin't go to the beach yesterday..

sebab mak ckp ade bnyak jellyfish da naek and the wheather's very hot..

we went to kuantan like always..i drove and pau duet kakak marini..


in a couple of hours i'm going to go back to ukm..

tomorrow got class like usual..

wutever anyway..things seem the same around here and around me..

this boy don't know how to convert sen to ringgit..
he also have no clue what happens during a car accident..
underline his book using tangan..





wutever anyway..

gottago..

ko jgn ingat surat ko ayah tak bace..

sending letters to mom are like sending letters to ur father.

anyway today is mother's day.. the kids wrote mom a card..

yeah cheesy..hazim started it