dear you over there,

ur letter came yesterday.

and mak suruh aku bace the letter..

the money came in just fine..

alot of things happen around here.

aku tak rase aku should write it in this place.

this place is only for casual stuff..

aku rase ko aware that, my whole life, there are alot of things yg aku feel tapi aku tak pena express it sebab unlike you, i don't know how..

aku pon tak tau aku pena try ke tak..

i guess that's why a few years back i use to lie my way out.

aku lie so much because it's easier than telling people the real thing, what i feel most of the time..

ur letter makes me realise how much i can not do what u did..

aku tak bole write a letter to mom saying all those stuff sebab aku memang tak bole spit it out..aku memang fail in expressing my thoughts to our parents.
u always know what u want and what u are doing..well this isn't about me though, i know that.

our family memang bukan the affectionate type like we know, tapi of all of us aku rase aku yg pling terok..

aku rase it's easier saying stuff like that to some stranger ataupon org lain yg don't really know aku dpd saying that to my family..aku tau ko rase aku silly tapi u don't know how hard this is for me..

aku memang lack of conversation with our parents..

so that day, mase mak ckp ngn aku tak payah hantar budak2 pegi fardhu ain, aku mcm seriously tak tau how to spit it out yg aku tak agree..

so there i am pacing in and out ckp pasal what i know awkwardly refusing to look at her sebab i'm not good at talking things seriously with my parents..

i went about hak sebagai seorang anak supaye parents die bole bagi education tentang agame pade die..sebab nanti dekat akhirat Allah akan tanye..

and then she looked at me in surprise..

pastuh die bagitau her reason and said why she's doing that..

so bende tuh memang acceptable..she knows what she's doing..so only for that day the kids did not go to fardhu ain class.

there's alot of stuff yg aku nak ckp to people here tapi i didin't said that..

then the letter showed up and u just spit it out in a few piece of paper..


so,

no, i cannot do this..

i guess being the unaffected one all the time has it's price..

i'm the loser.

okay..

so i've been preoccupied lately.

my mom had to cook alot of food sebab ade kenduri tahlil something like that at her friend's,so i helped.










and then i went to this talk,




went to the park with the kids,






unfortunately it looks like its going to rain



so we sit there for a moment and went home,




make food




and more food







and running people's life yg tak bole manage his own life like this boy,





he has this friend that's going to have her birthday so he wants to buy something for this girl..

and so we went to this place




that looks like a drug store







mission: get something for hazim's friend

budget : below RM3

so with the short budget that he's got, i thought of buying one of these.






when u're 9, u would do that too..it's fun isn't it when u're smaller and the world seems pretty and dandy and all you want to do is celeberate an event and show people that u appreciate them and be bestfriends..
yey! (rolling eyes)


unfortunately i'm not hazim and i'm not 9..bagi je la ape die nak.




and look at what i found! they still have stuff like this sold.





atlast,







i was busy looking at this that almost bump into the car infront.










almost sunset in the little town..
macam taylor swift ckp this is ain't hollywood this is a small town.ok shut up


and then i was busy again figuring things out, the self-discovery routine which people don't have to know what it is.

and then on and on with the same cycle..






this is what it look like from here at 7: 15 a.m..




and you're late!

dear you over there,

u were right when u said that i have problem expressing myself.

most of the time i find myself not knowing what to feel and sometimes

i don't know why i'm feeling things..

i think apart of it is because i don't really know myself..

this self-discovery journey seems endless, because i always felt lost..

anyway.

why is it that i feel people in this family always have something to prove..

aku rase the only person yg have nothing to prove is hazim..because for him life is

pretty..

what a happy kid he is..i felt so annoyed that i want to strangle him.


surat kau yg tarikh 6th july tuh baru smpai today..pastuh ayah mcm jeles tgk mak bace surat ko..

ko tulis la surat untuk die jugak.wow that's gonna be weird

u know what,

sometimes aku wonder why hakim is so angry and emotional..

semalam mak ajar die ngaji pastuh die tak bole trime bile mak cakap die salah.

mak as always cannot be subtle, but she's right most of the time.

he's like so angry.and he looks like he's going to cry..

he's like that, most of the time that i start to wonder why..

is it because he's just being prideful and a brat..

ataupon because of what he feels about things around him..

so i stop being so hard on him and i stop making fun of him..

because he wants to be taken seriously kalaw tak nanti die emo.

anyway, wutever..till then

life as we know it

i made these today.








yes those are cheese.nmpak je cm merepek tapi sedap okay


it's great isn't it when there's so much to eat and so many people at home..

i haven't read the news for weeks..i don't really know what's going on to the world..

i don't believe by what they wrote on the news, when it comes to political issues and a little bit of something else.

so i read the star only.dekat sini takde jual the star(yes seriously tak yah fake tekejot ).sebab less political propaganda.is that even english..whatever.
after i went to wahida post today bru dapat a little glimpse of what bersih is..

so i've just start my day normally being ignorant for awhile.

fetched this two..




do this








watch this








reading, figuring things out, thinking again. mind battling, and tido..
i think i shall wait till i get sick of sitting home..

but it's been only weeks right.


p/s: hows the photo.i use this.bought it online the other day.

aku bengang...sikit ar.

siket je.

ok fine aku bengang gile!!

A-!?

seriously ?!!

susa sgt ke nak dapat A je..

nape A tapi ade minus..

i work so hard for that mental health..

all that 4 notes and mind map and 4 kali katamkan..

why didin't it worked?

it supposed to work!!
sayangnye..

aku supposed to get 4..

3.9 pon tak sampai.

why is this happening ??

bengang bile ko work so hard for it and then result die tak as good as what u want..

rse mcm u're not good enough..

aku memang rase cmtuh..

when i worked my ass off, i want it to be great..

it's just personal..

i have to achieve what i have to achive.

aku tau akuu twisted..

and patotnye bersyukur..

tapi it shouldn't be like this..

this is wrong..

i'm getting a migrain.

takpe la..mungkin Allah tak nak bagi.

there are stuff that i don't do..

because i don't want people to do it to me..

like i don't read people's messages,

take something without permission,

make people wait for me

tell people what to do..

so when people do these stuff i get annoyed for awhile.

but then i guess we're different people that believe in different things so sometimes people do the stuff that we don't do.

because they're different people.

but i don't get how do people live making everyone understand the things that u don't like to be done to you but you literally do it to other people..

isn't that just contradicting?

bukan ke kalau kite tak suke org buat something tu, kite pon tak buat..

that how things should work.

that gets me wondering all the time when i see people like this..

like for a minute you said things that make me go 'okay, then that's just you'

and the a week after that, everything you do just way too different than what you have just said..


is that selfishness or childishness..

maybe aku yg get it wrong tapi i've seen it happen for quiet awhile.

am i wrong again..

walaupon bende tu tak effect aku,

but wouldn't it be great if people can just practice what they preach.

talk the talk and walk the walk.

and maybe perhaps the world would be a better place..

end of this

dudlu everytime aku denga lagu sheila on 7, walau aku da denga about 500 times pon lagu die, aku memang kene denga sampai abes, kalaw da masok intro kene abeskan..

atau kalau da masok korus kene denga smpai abes..it's like some kind of compulsion.

bagi aku that is loyalty..kalaw aku tak denga smpai abes, i always felt like i don't appreciate music die.

just like evry album that comes out, aku kene beli..because i wanna feel like i'm supporting them..

and maryam use to write on my book 'sheila on 7, dulu, kini dan selamanye', because we both love u..

and when i listen to you aku teringat aku punye school days where i got into trouble in maths class listening to you on my discman.

but time pass, and things change(ayat dear john)..

okay seriously..right now the song is playing tapi aku just nak tune in another one..

another song..another 2 minutes is too long..

maybe it's the drum..the drum felt different, my feelings felt different, aku tak have that enthusiasm, passion in their music as much as before.

this is not a phase..it felt real..

i'm sorry.

sorry so7..

u meant something about 7 years ago..

u still do, but not as much as 7 years ago..

i'm sorry that i can't carry on and bear to listen..

i'm sorry i tune in another song..

i'm sorry i stop the engine and didin't wait when u were singing on the radio..

i'm sorry i'm not as driven and excited as i was when i was 14..

i'm sorry i can't indulge on ur lyrics as much as yesterday.

i've grown out of it..

u're still one of my favorite though..but the worlds revolving and people move on and i'm not 14 anymore, and there's stuff more important than you..

city of angels

so after i got to james post on the song iris, it reminded me on how much i used to listen to it during my high school years and matriks..

it all started with city of angels.

aku cam into this movie that tyme..pastuhh aku can not stop listening to sound track die yg iris tuh..sebab cite tuh memang best gile and deep..ok diam skarang.

pastuh meg ryan looks hot and nicholas cage memang mcm and-when-everything-just-made-to-be-broken-i-just-want-u-to-know-who-i-am kindda crap.

so that tyme i was 15, i was so into this movie and during kemahiran hidup aku cite kat nazia, siap buat soundtrack lagu die lagi nak bagi die paham, like aku explain every scene dlm cite tuh sebab aku afal and then aku ckp 'ok tyme tu kann weyh kuar lagu nih,(start singing)'

pastuh nazia angguk2 pastuh tros cakap 'a'ah aku da tgk cite tuh'..

pastuh i went on and on about it, and slalu look at her nak suroh die sambung sebab die ckp die da tgk, pastuh die slalu ckp 'owh aku da lupe part tuh'

and then aku pon volunteer nk cite and she suddenly went

'tak payah!..fine aku tak tgk pon cite tuh, aku just pretended to watch it because i don't want to listen anymore of this nicholas cage city of angel crap'

sungguh kejam nazia cakap city of angels aku crap and aku give her the evil eye mcm nak rebus die mcm kerang rebus..

and then lame2 i got over the movie..and realise that it is kindda jiwang..

tapi lagu tuh memang all tyme favorite.

yeah it was a high school phase..whatever

ow my god..bende ni mcm the best thing yg ade kat rumah ni rite now..









can't stop munching..ntah brape bnyak aku da makan..

mak :sabrina ni daim zainudin punye coklat kann, yang menteri kewangan tu kann.sedap ea

and then aku mcm 'what??, bukan la mak ni kann kraft food punye sweden company tuh'

mak : hahh? betul la ayah ko ni..die cakap ni daim zainudin punye bisnes..aku ingat kan betul2 la..

yeah he always do that..

like that tyme die beli this camera online from a guy name roy lennon and he told me yg roy lennon ni adek beradek john lennon..


aku macam tgk die dgn muke tak percaye and puzzled.like he seriously think that i'm gonna believe yg adek beradek john lennon jual camera kat lelong ke..

whatevr..i gottago and eat some more..