huh.geram. fuck!

hah bengang laa!

aku tak tau lah mmg sejak akhir2 ni aku grumpy ke ape..
or aku ni isit nk melenting ke ape..
ntah ar bengang dowh..

datang bilek org ckp nk mkn meggi..
pastuh org da buat meggi nk mkn sesame tak nak makan plak..

mkn kuah je..
pergh bengang gile kowt..

aku tau laa tu cume megi je
cm budak2 plak nk bengang..
tpi aku bengang jgak..
bek awal2 ko ckp ko nk mkn kuah je..
dua bungkus aku buat..da lah tak abes..

kuah je abes..
pastuh die rase kuah nk dkat abes die pegi tambah
air..
habes laa tawar gile..

pastuh aku pon takde selere nk mkn..

padahal tu lah megi plg sedap dlm dunie yg aku pena buat..

pastuh da jadi tawar sebab ko la!!

n then ko taknak mkn plak sebab tawar sgt!!

membazir la bodo megi aku!

ko ingt megi murah ke haaaaaaaaaaa!!!


aku benci laa..
ntah..

da laa exam tadi susa..
pastuh xsempat nk stadi sebab aku stadi bende len..
n then bile aku nk stadi kimia mase tu, demam plak..

btol2 xlarat.

aku da try aku punye bes nk staadi jugak.

mlm tadi tak tido pown sebab nk stadi kimia..
berbaloi laa jugak tapi bnyak lgi yg aku tak jawab..

sape x bengang..

pastuh kemahiran membuat keputusan tnya mcm2 plak..

bende plik2 sume die tnye.

soalan 49:

abu menyewa di sebuah rumah sambil menuntut di sebuah universiti..dia tidak mempunyai kenderaan.. die menyewe bersame teman serumahnye yg mempunyai motor.
ali rakan lamenye ingin menumpang sewe di rumahnye, dan housematenye ingin berpindah keluar, namun ali juge mempunyai motor(berbelit mcm keling).masalahnye ali tidak mampu membayar sewe rumah yang mahal..ape yang harus abu lakukan.

a. berpindah ke tingkat 8
b. tidak tinggal di mana-mana
c. tidak membenarkan ali tinggal dirumahnye
d. bersama2 kluar daripada rumah dngn ali

wtf?!

okeh ape yg aku patot jwb?!!

rase cm nk jwb
e. bako rumah ngn ali skali..

tpi takde plihan jwpn e..

so wutever..

aku geram sgt these days..
in a lot of things..

ntah laa!!!!!!!1

forgive.is that a verb?

there's this song that were sung by an indonesian group..
fine it was a song from dewa..
the title is cintailah cinta.

the song kind of tell something about forgiving..
i was listening to it one nite(becoz it's in my mp3 playlist, get it?)
it goes like this:

'bila kebencian meracunimu takkan ada ruang yang untuk kita saling
menyayangi,jika masih ada cinta di hatimu maka maafkan lah
segala kesalahan'

it's a way of telling people to forgive and forget..
like totally forget..

and it says that if there's a love in your heart maybe you could just happen to forgive people..

more like if ur a person with love and a good person then, forgive..

and it just come up to me that i never actually forgive anyone..

my whole life,
i can still describe every single terrible thing that happen to
me..like what people did..

i just learn something that i never actually forgive anyone..

that's like the most difficult thing to do..
forgive and just forget..

it's still there..
the scar..

wut they did..

and even in years it still hurts because i never forget
and forgive..

that's like the most difficult thing for me to do..

and the memory of it..

that time, that very moment..

the thing that happen,
wut she did..

was far from wut i call forgetting..
it's hard and still there..

and i guess forgiving people is for someone that
really can..totally capable of doing it..

because it's not easy to forgive


and forget.

great..
aku bru je abes paper diversity skang..

xde la susa sgt n xde laa sng sgt..
biase je kowt..
jwpn objektif mcm confusing,
n essei die nk detail..

hmmm so and so..skang ni tenga pk pasal
paper kimia n kmahiran mmbuat keputusan(i know so wtever ade paper jgak)

anyway pnat ar..
mase tenga bace instruction tuh the thing that scares me the most
is the sentence 'ijazah sarjana muda dengan kepujian sains'

rase freaked out siket..
mcm ini ijazah sarjana mude..
ntah cm seram sejok plak..

hahah..
wtever sgt ngantok..

i'm 19.

and grumpy..

why does everyone keeps telling me that lately?

wtf

when the clock hit 12 o'clock in the midnight
cinderella ran away leaving her glass slipper..

do u know how weird that is?
how can the glass slipper came off

when she was the only one made for the shoe..

it's her very size..that really fits
for her and no one else..

so the slipper does not really came off..
she leave it there by chance..
it wasn't an accident..
it was intendedly being left..
no one knows the real truth..

cinderella wants the prince to find her..
and she wish for the prince to find her one day

so that she will be happy again..
it's like a way of telling people that
everyone struggles for happiness

even cinderella wants to be freed one day..

rite..
wutever..
so the thing is happiness are meant to be search..

we should find our own happiness is that it..
perhaps we will found it..

evryone gud luck in finding ur hapinnes.

will i still matter to you when tommorow comes?

it's flattering..
to hear someone say you are their inspiration..
or that you means something to them..
you give them a piece of life..
it makes you feel worthful..

like you still have people to hold on to you..
making you believe that you are somebody..

that feeling was undescribeable..

and it remains untouched and will always stays..

and you would want it to stay the same..
the feeling that people have towards you..

'i know you n then you show me wuts life about'..

that word was all i can remember..

thanks

future maybe?

dudlu everytime evryone ckp pasal
ambition aku musti the one yg akan left being
clueless sebab aku seriously tak tau ape aku nk
jadi bile da beso, bile grad, bile da ade degree..
n klaw aku tnye bebudak nih mustih diorng ramai2
jwb 'mak nyah'!
fuck.. mcm aku tak tau korng. nk menghancorkan aku je..

anyway at that time aku pon tak tau ape yg akan become out of me..
and deep inside, aku rase yang aku bole jadi anything..
mcm aku nk be good in evrything..
mcm bile people talking about food sebenonye aku nk
sgt being able to make good food..
nk sngt survive bukak api or gune kuali tanpe menyebabkan ape2 terbako
kat dapor tuh..

and then when people talk about betape hebatnye budak nii bley
ingt sume bende, aku musti nk byangkan yg aku nih ade photographic memory
jgak..
i knoe it's crazy..tpi aku slalu wish aku bley ingat sume bende..

itu yg sbenanye aku fikir everytime people ask what
i will become..
but as i'm passing 19..
aku mcm pikir..
wut happen next..
get a job, be happy tu pon klaw hepi and then
the end fullstop..

is that it?

i hope not..

aku still ade bnyak lagi bende yg i wish i know wut i waNT
but i have none..

mcm life aku actually berenti in being 30..
tu je..

and aku musti sekat diri aku in even thinking of having
a family or children sebab the fact that
i'm going to have my own family scares me so much..

like aku, sabrina

will have a children and become a mother..
tak ke bende tuh mcm bizzare..

gile takowt dow..

n children??

mcm mane dengan the child yg aku going to raise
nanti..

and then i start to realise that aku mmg blom
betol2 ready for any serious responsibility..
and the most scary thing is the fact yg aku rase aku will
never be ready..

i'm so clueless man..


nevermind..
nanti pandai2 kowt aku curik anak sesape
n bele pkai bibik..

that would be nice..

god this things just got into my head
so much lately..

guard hebat..hahah

rite..
aku bru pas kepo tgk blog ana..
xsangke die letak gambo mkcik guard kat matrik
dudlu tenga curik tulang..
ade lagi gambo tu rupenye..
mmg da sah kantoi wahai makcik guard..

tgk je gambo tuh reminds me of macam2 penganiayaan
yang kitorng slalu buat kat die..
bile tringat balek rase kesian pon ade..
tapi bkn salah aku,
sape suroh die malukan aku kat libry lagi..
da laa marah kuat2 depan bnyak org,
pastuh bebdk laki yg ske aku pon tgk
kann je..haa mane tak malu..

yg penting dudlu mase aku geram ngn die aku
penah tulis kat buku name2 plajar yang buat kesalahn
yng die slalu pegang tuh, aku tulis nota
and mesej keramat kat die..
hahahah

ok this is supposed to be a secret tpi
bknnye die ade blog pon kann..
hahha

seblom balek mase tuh, selepas aku and tini dimalukan dlm
ps dgn die..kitorng pon curik2 tulis dlm buku die..
dgn tulisan yg cantek tuh kitorang tulis

'tak baek tue2 cukur bulu kening'

itu laa ayat yg aku tak leh lupe..
arap mk cik buat kenangan ye..
kene jgak aku mintak maap kat die satu ari nanti..
hhahahha..

i went ice skating yesterday
it was fun..
really fun..
walawpon isit terjatoh je sebab licin.
tpi ade a couple of guys yang tolong aku..
hehehehe..
org da offer pertolongan takkan nak tolak
kowt nyah..
malu plak i..

sunway was beautiful in the night..
nk sgt bwk everyone dtg sane,,
kitorng took a lot of photo..cm gile kmera plak..
eka and atik pon skate jgaak..
aku rase cm best sgt smpai rase it was a dream..
becuse kuar mlm2 hang out cmtu..very adventurous and fun..
we all had fun..
rase mcm the feeling that i used to have that is missing rite now
and evrywhere..
rase cm i'm being the old sabrina..
the feeling that i finally have something to be happy about in here..
pastuh cm die pasang bnyak lagu sodap2 kat ice skating rink tuh..
masyuk nyah..

aku cm really had a wonderful time..
the breeze was lovely..


anyway diana called the other day..
as always kepoh kat aku wut's going on..
pastuh she keep's on going on about would'nt it'll
be great klaw idop kite ni cm dlm drama dunie baru tuh..
it really sounded like her..
pastuh aku ckp laa
yg tu sume drama je laa bodo..
muke ko takkan jadi cntek cm elyana and
idop kite takkan jadi bes cm dlm tu..
rase mcm ckap ngn a whining and crying five years old
child..
nk bagi die paham wut's the real world like..
funny but it's true..

aku still thenga figure out nk start stadi mcm mane study week nih..
rase mcm x bersemngat plak..
da lah semalam tak solat suboh..
mmng kene bako laa aku kat nerake..
adoi..
sabrina, sabrina..

fly

there's a time in my life where i would
always turn around and look back just to make sure if i'm
on the right track..

and most of the time i am..
atleast i think i am..
i know it's not possible to be right all the time..
but i do that..
i really wanna be right all the time..
sometimes wut people say or wut they think really bothers me much..
and i would makes sure that i don't think that way but i do..

so i swallowed all the bitter things that comes
eventhough i know how ridiculous that is..
i swallowed it because people think its okay..
because that's what evryones doing..
and being different sometimes scares me so much..

i used to fit anywhere.
and i used to belong everywhre..but sometimes it's different..
like rite now..
and i try so hard untill i don't know if i'm becoming someone else.
unable to fit in bothers me sometimes..
i don't know if it is what we called immaturity
or even insecurity

but i have to feel like i belong
atleast somewhere..
and it hurts to see that u don't belong
in a crowd full of people having fun..
i told myself that they're just lame
or they just pathetic and fail to notice wuts inside
of me..

but the truth is..
i'm not even sure wut is inside of me..
anxiety or just loneliness..

ok i may sound like a pathetic loser rite now..
but i just had the worst day ever.

just hope that things can let me slip
away sometimes..
wouldn't it'll be great if we can just fly to somewhere
else like the fairytale peter pan..
he travel and fly to places leaving wut he had.
and things change when he got back..

i don't wanna be peter pan..
i just wanna fly like him..
it'll be better if things change when i get back..
but becoming better instead..

fly away will be nice sometimes..

there's a rizhopus growing on the surface of my wooden table..
actually bknnye atas my table tpi atas my table cloth on my table..
wutever there's still a heterotrophic organism on my table..
i don't know how it got there..
it's just there..

aku balek je tetibe ade kat situ..
it kind of reminds me on how unpredictable, and how silent
things happen around me..
i've no class for the past two days tpi aku cume manage bce
lab manual and buat report je..rase cm lame sgt bce lab manual tuh sebab
btol2 nk pahamkan tapi tak brape ingat..
membazir gle mase aku..

and my memory card tersekat kat dalam lubang jamban..
i don't know wut is wrong with me..
rase cm nk jerit pon ade..
aku rase time mmg past so fast n everything yg happen really happen
so fast..
cume bende bodoh2 je yg aku buat spanjang due ari tpi aku rase cm lame
ape yg aku bce tuh..
ntah ar..
i don't know if i even have the drive anymore to get to work and be all
spiritfull cm mase memule..
riso gak exam nk dekat..

things seems the same evry single day in here..nothing seems to change
ari tuh mae jmpe ana and su kat kampus kl, aku mcm realise
how different diorng punye life and mine..
kite sume disatukan dekat matrik..
tpi after a year sume bwak haluan masing2..stady, chasing the future..
being a different person in a different world..
more like playing a role in your niche..
except this is a different niche from the matrik life we use to have..

i'm still coping..
just hope i'll hang in there..
like i used to do..
bebudak psycho yg aku used to know pon da ade haluan
diorang sendiri, waheedA, nadia..
anyway da beso korang..
jage diri bek ea..
jgn melacor or jadi mak nyah..
ckup lah jdi nyah kat matrik..
jgn jadi nyah kat universiti walawpon laku..

gudnite evryone.

okay today is superpacked.
but i had a blast of time yesterday like hell..
we agreed on going out, the three of us but last minute arrangement
there are also diana's other two friends..

diana tu mmg baghal nk mampos, tak ckp awal2 yg kwn die nk ikot.
bangang tol, tpi evrything seems fine.
mule2 aku ingat ade malapetake yg bakal berlaku sebab the last minute arrangement and aku yg tertngal subuh pagi tuh, pastuh si diana tak pena nek monorail g kl sentral sorng2..isit kol je takot kene rogol..punyelaa bangang(sapelaa yg nk rogol ko)..and kwn2 die yg tetibe nk join n then si syikin yg xsampai2 sebab ade lagi lapan station pastuh pegi tunggu kat burger king..die ingat die siape.

ok n then we had fun..tgk movie yg bes la jgak smpai aku tgk smpai abes..
ok fine aku tertido halfway tapi aku still tau how it ended okay.
we like rock the kenny rogers..pastuh india yg rambot krinting kat blakang kitorang tu mcm tak puas ati n ngumpat kitorng on bhase diorng..eleh mcm laa diana tak paham..

disebabkan diana da jadi kaye die pon buat prangai blagak kaye die tuh dekat keny rogers..isit panggil waiter je(mmg bjet nk mampos)..komplen tu tak kene ni tak kene..yg tukang pnggil tu plak aku..
one of the komplen is xde sudu nk mkn rice tu dgn ape..pastuh aku pon pndang laa sekeliling nk tgk org mkn nasi gune ape..tapi aku tak prasan.
skali aku toleh kat syikin, aku tgk nasi die da surut..rupe2nye die mkn nasi pkai pisau..HAHHAHAHAHAHAh
blooy hell punye bangang ar..
da tuh plik asal die tak ley pkai pisau..

pastuh dah tgk movie, kitorng pon balek..
aku tido bilek diana malam tuh..stelah berpisah dgn syikin(die bg nasihat bergune)
n kwn2 diana, kitorng pon head balek..

kitorng spend the night kat bilek tuh n diana membebel pasal idop die kat aku pastuh tak bagi aku tido..die nmpak je aku nk tido die bebel lagi kuat..
pastuh aku pon sempat abeskan mkanan die and curik floss die..
aku pon da makin obses ngn floss..
mlm tu die cek gg aku..alah ala2 doctor gg yg tak bertauliah lah tuh..
siap pkai alat gg bodo die tuh..
pastuh isit tak bg aku benafas je sebab tak nmpak cermin kcik yg berwap tuh.
dah tuh mcm mane aku nk idop..

conclusion nye aku rase sume pesakit ko bakal mampos diana..
i gotta get some sleep..god..tired

truth hurts

treponema pallidum.
the bacteria that cause syphilis, a kind of sexually transmited disease.
it's divided into three stages..the last stage can really kill you..
symptom is usually likely to be seen, people won't even know its a syphilis with only an acne-like thing growing on the suface of your skin..

so don't have sex with people who have acne.
is that it?
maybe..

okay that's only a small part of it..
there's this story going on..

the husband have this syphilis thing..so he said that it was maybe something that he ate, like the supplement..
and the wife believed him..
so a person i know that told the story keep going on how stupid the wife is..
she knew its a sexually transmitted disease.

which means you have to sleep around with people to get syphilis..
people with syphilis too..
anyway she believed him..

that what matters..
it's like shutting your eyes although you already knew the truth..
bacteria, disease never lie..
but people lie..they lie to themselve to cover the truth that hurts..

cover deep inside the actual fact.
that destroy a marriage..

it's not difficult to understand..
it's simple she knows the truth but she just need a reason to still hold on
to the marriage..
wutever..

sometimes i lie to myself to make me feel alrite.
everybody does.

and sometimes i wished people would just bury me deep inside away
from the truth..
eventhough i know that things actually are not gonna be alrite.

just don't tell me the truth.
do it for me..
because it hurts so much..
and i don't wanna know
ever..
keep it to yourself..

cover, bury..
just lie..
then everything will feel the same again.
please