my thoughts on this one..

okay..
so my plans for the week is reading some bryophytes and get involve into some of that animal phylum..i dunno..but it didin't worked out like i plan..i've been spending my time sleeping all the time and watching one tree hill season one..
i kind of feel bad about that though..
i'm watching season one rite now..i guess i finally knew the beginning part of the series..

u knoe lucas is like the most serious character i mean the most serious teenage character that i've ever seen..like he reads all this books..and rites about all the writer sayings and uses the correct english..i guess he reminds me of a person that i used to know..
he falls for peyton in the beginning , i guess its more like he's falling for her art..i'm not sure exactly..like he discover peyton sawyer:the girl that draws comic, and love art as in music and drawings, and she's actually lonely although she's being a cheerleader in school or wutever, never let her guard down..

but the thing IS the fact that peyton rejected him because she was scared of comitment or something, and he ACTUALLY moves to brooke, peytons bestfriend..
its actually makes me feel how unbelieveble a guy can be..people in the page giving comment and rooting for him and peyton..when he already started dating brooke, the guy realise that he's still have feelings for peyton..and at the same time, peyton was ready for him..

i mean how unbelieveble this is..people are like supporting he's relationship with peyton..why can't people see..if you haven't really get over a gurl in the beginning then don't even start a new relationship..i mean he is the one to start it off with brooke and yeah i seen it myself..so peyton is ready for lucas at the time when brooke is dating him..so they kind of develop this relationship behind brooke..and yeah of course they mention how guilty they felt..and trust me they shud..brooke is like trying her best to understand lucas as she really is in love with him..she reads the books lucas read and she's even trying to bond with lucas's mother..that's like some sacrifice people! the thing you do for the person you love..and you don't ask for something back..even doing it makes you fell good..that's rare and selfless i guess..

i guess i'm actually talking about this because it's happening alot..the stuff where you start a new relationship when you're not even ready and you think you are..
it's the person that started the realationship to be blame.people like brooke will really get hurt if she knew that she just some sort of rebound..it sucks..and i've seen it happen to people..so don't do it guys..
don't start a relationship to actually forget about the previous one..its not a smart move.like u're so desperate..and it hurts people that actually starting to think that there's hope in the relationship..people like brooke..
and yeah i know the crap about how you can't stop being in love with someone else but don't even talk about a new relationship if you're not really ready..
i've seen this before and people have got to stop..
i know i'm in no place to talk about relationship but that's like a piece of mind from me..wut i truly feel about this kind of drama..

it's not complicated, its simple..don't start a relationship if you're not ready to commit..

i have just finish the entire season five of one tree hill.. i know its a little late for that but i missed the entire seaason when i was in matriculation..
i guess it was not as fun as the earlier season but it was okay though..
lucas and peyton wasn't in a realationship anymore..and it was sad..because i was rooting for them to be together..but it happen to just ended that way...

there were lots of part in the series that makes me linger..it was kindda boring actually but i still linger..wutever..
anyway i knoe this is supposed to be raye and all, but since its the same evry year, i'm actually used to this..
u see, we have no kampong, no grandparents and our relatives usually go back to raye at their kampong so my family used to stay at home during raye and watch all the shows in tv..its not as much raye it can be but this has become a part of our life..and we're okay with that..

i guess evryone is having a blast of time because i'm the only one who seems to be online these days..anyway i'm so goiing to johor this thursday and do some shopping for, i dunno..for nothing..i'm having my late supper as usual.there have to be food when you're bored you know..

i've been watching a lot of tv shows and drama series these days..i'm just getting sick of that i guess..wutever i'm so going to bed..

ning baizura

dudlu..everytime balek dpd kelass..aku, syikin,diana and cincin slalu lepak dekat kafe depan ps..kitorang ade a lot of activity dkat depan sane..tue je laa time yg kitorng spend same2 after class beside dkat bilek tpi bile kat bilek syikin takde..
antare aktivity nye is temankan diana ngn balak die date, mkn cucur goreng yang sgt sedap n mengumpat..
everytime diana date mmg muke aku ni laa yg akn duduk tenga2 diantare due manusie yg gelap tuh(maksudnye aku paling cerah)..
kadang2 aku sempat buat latihan math disamping due org kekasih yg tenga bercinte tuh
pastuh mcm biase ar balak die musti jeling and pandang slek kat aku..n diana plak tersengih2 mcm laa aku buat salah..mase tu jugak time aku cuci mate n kekadang sempat jatoh cinte dengan some people yg lalu temasok laa ....(mati ar ko, ingat aku nk betau ke)

antare makanan yg aku slalu mkn kat situ is kuey tiaw grg, and cucur goreng and rojak ayam..kadang2 sempat bwk masok dlm ps lagi..especially ana, sebab die kate cucur tuh mcm cucur mak die(yeye je), lpastuh kene sound ngn makcik guard yg cukur kening tuh sebab die jumpe cucur kat ats kerusi yg aku n ana dudok..kitorang mmg mkn macam org gile especially bile diana nk blanje balak die..(diorng slalu blanje each other, ingat romantik la tuh).kueytiaw grg die mmg basah n ade udang beso2 and kurang sayor..sng cite mmg sedap!
so this evening aku trase plak nk mkn kuey tiaw mlm2 so aku pon bli satu..
and then aku tulis kat situ kuey tiaw pedas ++..tpi kuey tiaw yg aku dapat daripada pp aka puri pathetic/puri poodah/puri penipu merupakan sepolisterin kuey tiaw yg kembang, tak pedas, bnyak sayor and takde udang pastuh ayam kecik..

bile aku mkn mkanan aneh tuh it remind me of how great the kuey tiaw i used to have in matrik..harge die pon rm2.20 je..klaw kat sni smpai 3 hinggit!
pastuh everytime aku tulis order aku musti tulis nickname ning baizura..i used to write it a few times..evrytime nk order je musti gune name tuh..

pastuh sampai kakak kat cafe tuh da hafal name tuh evrytime tgk muke aku..
die slalu tnye "ning nak mkn ape ari nih?"
aku ngn diana pon laugh our ass of becoz it's so funny..
and bile mkanan aku da siap musti die panggil "ning baizura!!"
and aku dengan muke yg tahan malu-cehh padahal aku dah warning jgn panggil name tu kuat2...aku musti cube untok tutop muke pakai tudong and amek mi tuh..

ntah i guess i just miss that kuey tiaw goreng that aku used to have..malam2 nih rase cm nk write something plak tetibe..maybe i shud go back reading..bryophytes takde kene mengene pon dgn kuey tiaw..hah i hate hornworts!

i'm at the library now..
so sleepy..
if only there's a matress and some pillow here..
i'll definitely rush and arrive in dreamland.

there goes my dreamland..
i was just doing some excercise for this saturday exam..
general chemistry..
i don't know wut is so general about that..
more like complicated chemistry..

anyway i'm listening to this hand down just to keep me awake..
this exams means so much to me..
i just wanna score on this one..
after i got so sikit on biology cell paper..
i got so siket..
trust me sgt sikit..
rase cm my life is all over the place..
dgn exam result yg tak brape membanggekan, u know living alone
and all..klw living alone but you still get good results then i guess it's okay..
tpi bile markah tak ok rase lgi alone..like you have nothing to look
forward to living in this huge cold university..
kekadang rase cm nothing's working out..
assignment ade a few yg tak usik lgi..
smayang pon kekadang tak khusyuk..
isit tringat stuff yg happening around je..
bebudak group lame, da lame aku tinggalkan since that tragedy.
god. pastuh people starting to ask now why i don't hang out with
them anymore..i hate that question, i hate to answer that!

'mane bebudak grup ko?'
'mane kwn2 ko?'
'nape tak gi skali ngn laila?'

takkan aku nk ckp wut's going on..
rase malas..aku pon xtau la ape point diorng ask bnyak kali..does it kill them so much to just shut up about it..cm irretating n makes me feel like i'm really alone..
tetibe all this drama makes me feel like i'm still in high school..

yesterday there's this girl that sit beside me and she start asking why am i alone..
pastuh tnye nape arituh aku tak gi class..pastu she went like 'aiyoh taktau, klaw ko tak masok class nnti ko xleh amek exam'..
aku cm wtf..pompuan kepoh ni. rase cm nk tampo ju muke die..

aku cm look her in puzzle..
and then she went again 'asal bebudak grup ko bole je dtg klass awal'..
aku tros went like 'ko bole dudok tmpat lain x, sebab kwn aku lgi sorng nk dudok sebla aku..seat ni aku cop utk die..bole kan dok tmpat lain?..aku nk dok sebla kwn aku laa'..n i was not lying..mmg pon seat tu untok syaza..

wutever.. i shud continue studying now


i just have to have something to be happy about..
i really hope general i mean complicated chemistry will work well..
tpi cm biase ar musti rase ngantok jap lgi..
when is this misery is going to end..

"friends are not for keep. it stays that way, it doesn't cross that boundry..it's just that"

that wut she says..
that's it..
just like that..
it's been weeks now..
i thought somehow something might change..like i might change the way she thinks about it but it doesn't.
we bring our seperate life.. i don't even know wut's going on..

i guess she simply prove the word she's saying is right..
it's getting weird in here..
people really come and go..
it's crazy sometimes just to see it that way..

u know there's this song i heard in the train yesterday, i guess someone
might have like dumped it in my mp3 or something..
the song called 'innocence' by avril

it goes like this:

its the beautiful thing u're feeling
it's the innocent inside you're feeling
it so beautiful it makes u wanna cry..

it's a nice song..
it just bother me so much starting just now..
this evening..
the way she look at me..
that distance in her eyes..
that word "it stays that way"
i'm losing people around me and i don't wish for it to stay tha way..
it always happens..
one time i knoe this girl in the bus,
we kind of bond and have this fun conversation..
the next day i saw her again, she doesn't knoe me anymore..
like u thought there was something there in that conversation but actually there's nothing for her..like a usual thing u talk to people where the next day u won't recognize anymore..
i mean which part of their brain that doesn't get what common sense means..
why do people have to act like they somekind of aliens a round humans..
it's normal to say atleast hi to the people u know..
or is it really normal not to acknowledge people that have got nothing to do in ur life..
i remember people..
they means something to me..
for me frineds are for keep..
it doesn't stays that way.
it cross the boundary..
we keep in touch..
we miss each other..
i dunno why it's so difficult for them to get that..
human relationship is important.
wake up!

gipsy?

i've been travelling a lot these days..
anyway, skang ni pon aku bru balek dpd shah alam
jmpe maryam..
ok let's introduce her,
maryam or yam is my bestfriend since we're in mrsm..
she's one of my gang back then..
and together all with another 8 of them..
we're very close the 9 of us and now
it's been six years..

wutever anyway.
i've been travelling alone..
mcm2 org aku jmpe..
the taxi driver's were nice..
aku travel dpd bangi smpai shah alamm n then gi klia
n then g klcc..
yam pon ikot aku je(sebab si bangang ni tak tau tmpat)
anyway it was exciting in the beginning of the journey..
cm rase best sgt travel jaoh2 alone..
rase cm u're somekind of traveller or gipsies..
tpi bile nk balek rase sedih..
cm u're about to leave this thing yang u love and
return to the pathetic empty life u used to had..
mcm the end of a good movie yg people wish to have a
second one..
i dunno..

and people go around asking where you're from (mostly mkcik2 sebab
diorng mmg ramah)..
and u keep lying and lying like you're belong nearby there sebab klaw aku ckp aku dpd bangi musti diorng terkejot gle sebab jaoh gle..
cm taxi driver semalam yang isit tnye aku tak takot ke travel sorng2.
pastuh aku pon mmg tak tau nk jwb ape..
actually i'm getting used to it..
being alone..
malas nk ajak bebudak kat sni..
rase leceh sgt..
tak tau knpae..
it's like i'm living for myself now..
it's me, all or nothing..
dudok dlm train,lrt, bus..
rase free takde org yg ikot..
kekadang aku rase cm tak nak diorng ikot coz
kite cm bru je kenal like 3 months, i don't think ade
org nk do such favours temankan org gi jaouh2...

last night was great..
aku jumpe yam and pick die up g klcc..
we talked and talked..masok every store yg ade..
a lot of things kene cath up sebab da lame gile
tak jumpe..die pon cm change..
she still the old maryam yg bangang that i used
to know tpi ade a thing in her that actually change..
i dunno..like somehow she's stronger inside..
she's not that cute, sweet, guilable, full of laughter anymore..
i guess she used to have this hard time alone..
uitm made her be that person..
she's like tougher inside..
we chatted and stayed up that night..
die cm ckp it's difficult..
and i guess i totally get it
i understand i guess..
sebab maybe the same thing happen here..
and bile nk pikir balek hoe cold this place is..
aku takot aku akan jdi cm diorng one day..
like jdi cold and self centered jgak..
wut if this place make me into that person..
that will be not wut i wanted to be out of me..

ntah.
aku gi tido sane sehari je pon..
because i need to study for exams..
and wan yacoob would totally dissapointed klaw student tak perform..
anyway i shud start reading his notes...
die bgi notes pasal hard acid and soft acid hari tuh..
name notes tue enggang same enggang pipit same pipit..
it's his way of describing the haRD AND SOFT ACID..
die mmg suroh ikot die punye way of putting the notes..
he's damn hilaroius..
like all the time..
one time die ckp yg die dudlu pon ade problem in understanding lewis
structure sebab ckgu die not gud at teaching it..haha
and hari rtuh tutorial die bnyak yg buat salah, and die kate kitorng tak dengo ckp die cmne nk draw lewis..
he went like "jgn derhake pade lewis ye!"
i can't believe ui'm reading this notes..

rain

it's raining again..
sempat gak aku basoh kasot aku yg da mmg hitam tuh..
ari nih exam microbe like the been scheduled..

i was sitting at the bus stop this evening mase hujan dah nk kat reda..
i was listening to my new playlist at that time..
i dunno time tue btol2 tringat zaman matrik time hujan..
slalunye sejok2 cmtuh mesti kitorng bedal ais jagong.
i know it's crazy tpi time sejok tue laa yg sedap bedal ais jagong..
aku cm tol2 terbayang that time in matrik.

it was raining pastuh there's this kropok lekor and donut yang aku, and
tini slalu bli kat cafe 'mkcik derhake' tuh..
pastuh bile pnat2 balek class rase masyuk sgt drinking nescafe ais dengan donut
panas yg direbot oleh diana bodoh and husna (diorng mmg tak tau malu, biase ar tuh)
pastuh we used to gossip around and dorng cite pasal hot guy yang baru diorng jmpe..
and aku pon tipu buat2 cite pasal the guy yang minat aku walaupon mmg takde..
and diorng especially husna slalu percaye..
and then aku pon start mengumpat pasal every single people yg ade kat matrik tuh..
pastuh nek aras tige lepak bilek nadia..
gossip lagi..
last2 tetido kat situ smpai maghrib.
pastuh farah yg tak abes2 kmas katil and then there's these stars yg glow in the dark in diorng punye ceiling..it used to come off..

i dunno..
it felt great being there..
and it was raining at that time..
raining in matrik actually makes me feel happy and warm
tpi raining kat ukm is like so cold..
like the people, the air, everyone, the environment..
so cold..
nothing is warm at all.
and i miss it so much, the warm that i used to feel, tini's room,
th stars in nadia's room, the air when we walk down the street
infront of the block..the donut, the beverage..mkcik derhake and all of it
during raining in matrik..
it's so great..

and here i am in my room and it's still raining..