it's never over

okay so here i am..it's almost 1 o'clock in the morning and
all i can feel is like writting..there's mosquitoes everywhere..

so i've just watched grey's anatomy 3 hours ago n cristina is having a hard
time..she's chosen for the solo surgery which then turned out that she can not
perform it coz u knoe last week episodes where there's an issue about the intern that causes her to be punished and it's clearly not her fault..
so she has to choose one of the residents to replace her..
i don't knoe why but i totally get her situation..it's so hard on her because
she deserves it, she deserves the surgery more than anyone but she can't perform it n then there's all this people coming to her telling how much they deserve to be there..

n everyone was so selfish..nobody knew wut it'll felt like..
i just hate the feeling of enabling to do it but you're just can't because of the circumstances..i knoe it is probably not the same thing but i have always
felt that way..like i want to do it so much but i can't..

so here's wut happen recently..i runned out of money..see i'm broke n i'm jobless
so instead of getting a job because i tried n there is no vacancy in this old town, ther's only pictures of najib, i decided to sell my own food..
fine! i knoe it's barbaric for me to make food but i'm trying ok..i'm trying to run
a bussiness n eventhough nobody seems to be excited about it but i am..
so unless u people out there can get urself to stop laughing about it u better shut the hell up..
a lot of people have been giving me a not so encouraging words about that but did that stop me? NO!!!

ok so here how it turned out..i didin't sleep the whole night trying to figure how it will go n in 6 hours i've found a way to sell my food by making karipap n sell it infront of the house..so early in the morning i struggle myself off making the dough n the fillings..it was hectic i have to say..my dough was kering and it took me the whole day trying to make the 30 pieces of karipap..but i was eager to make atleast
30..so it was difficult and exhausting to roll the dough trying to get the required shaped.. n voila it work..it wasn't the best karipap u've seen but it looked normal n it taste okay..
TRUST ME! it did..

so i started to fry the karipap at 5 o'clock in the evening..and then i put 30 piece of it in the container..i spread the tablecloth on my dad's favorite kayu jati table n put the 3o-pieces-karipap container n there was a note '3 kpg seringgit'..
so my parent have just returned home when they saw the table n the karipap..
so let me just spill this out..they were pissed!!
like totally angry!!!!
in rage!!!
like there was a dog who chewed his leg..
or a very dangerous insect or that big sephia devouring his car..
i dunno..big deal!!
n he was yelling..saying who did this and he knew it was us..me and my sec sis..
n we ignored him n continue to fry some more n started our business..
he was so angry that it turned out that we can not sell it the next day..
it just come to my sense that it wasn;t about the kayu jati table, or the business it was all about him..he didin't trust me of doing something right..it's about his judgement towards the business like it would not sell n it's ridiculous..

i was damn pissed!!!!!!
it's not about making food it's about the bussiness..
n eventhough there is only 9 pieces of it that sells, it was something..
something for me..
he did not even take a look at it..
the karipap..

he's just an old person whgo is being sceptical about stuff..
and rite now, i want to make food n sell.i feel like doing it so much but i can't..
n why the hell is that?! ow he owns the house!!!so he just get to control everything!
including my life!

now i'm not talking to him..
wutever it's not like he can control that..he doesn't even care..
even when i'm back at home i still have this feeling..like u want to do it so much but u can't..
i thought i only felt that back in college..n look at me..i'm 19, broke, unemployed n bored at home..maybe i shud burn this place down..